The Departure.

We all know the story of Adam and Eve and the serpent and the fruit.

We all know the curse that came of their decision.

(Or do we?)

“I will greatly multiply your pain in childbirth, In pain you shall bring forth children; Yet your desire shall be for your husband, and he shall rule over you.”

To women, this is painful.

To God, this is painful.

He did not want to implement this, but it was a natural consequence of the Woman’s decision. Just as they suffer in the physical separation of their bodies from the bodies of their children, God suffered in the physical and spiritual separation of His being from their being. With each new life comes a reminder of the first death (and a general dislike of the first woman). At the first they stepped out from under the protection of God and the first man, so they are forever cursed with the overwhelming need for protection, to feel protected and guarded (hence the fascination with fairy tale princes and knights in shining armor).

“Cursed is the ground because of you; In toil you shall eat of it all the days of your life. Both thorns and thistles it shall grow for you; And you shall eat the plants of the field; By the sweat of your face you shall eat bread, till you return to the ground, because from it you were taken; For you are dust, and to dust you shall return.”

To men, this is painful.

To God, this is painful.

He did not want to implement this, but it was a natural consequence of the Man’s decision. Men are cursed with weakness. The first man stood idly by while his wife killed herself and all others. From then on, he must counter his weakness and grow strong in order to survive, much less truly live. Men work the ground not only for food, but for the strengthening of self, to have a sense of adequately protecting and growing. Men are cursed with insignificance. They must earn, produce, protect, achieve in order to see their true selves, to see their First selves (hence the fascination with dominance and physicality).

Both partners receive a curse that flows logically out of their previous actions.

Both sections of the curse have a central cause, a consequence more closely related to their actions than the curse itself.

They are no longer good. God is still good.

God cannot take a chance at marring His goodness. God must leave their presence and they His.

No more Us. Just He and We.

No more Together. Just Separation.

No more Arrivals. Just The Departure.

The second death.

If this sounds familiar

If this sounds familiar, you come here often or at least once did.

I will be reporting (for certain this time) to a counseling session this upcoming Friday afternoon.
I'm paying for it. I'm going. I'm taking the initiative to make sure I'm really okay. Because I know that sometimes I'm REALLY not okay.

Whatever is in there and needs to go, it's coming out. (lies)
Whatever is not in there and needs to come, it's going in. (truth)

My Counselor will continue to counsel me.
But hopefully He will choose to become more evident through the face and words of Dr. Cheryl Warner.

Fire Blog, Flog. The First.

We’re all different, right? Hand-made by the Creator. Special, unique, distinct.

So how we relate to that Creator will be different, hand-made, special, unique, distinct.
Not in every way dissimilar, but a relationship all our own.
No one else’s.

Why don’t we teach that? (Why don’t I learn that?)

The other day, the idea was put into my mind that I’m not an evergreen (if I were a tree, that is). I lose my leaves in the winter, almost too literally. I revive when the earth does.
More on that in at a later date.

Trees. Wood. Fire.
That was the train I caught.

Fire is fire, but it reacts differently, smells differently, smokes differently, warms differently, exists differently depending on what kind of wood is being burned and in what arrangement the wood is placed.

Our lives are fire. God provides the spark; we provide the fuel, the wood. He IS the spark. We ARE the fuel, the wood.

The more me I give Him, the bigger, warmer, brighter, etc. the fire becomes. We usually get this far in understanding fairly easily. (1)

But we think other peoples’ fires are odd, or better, than our own. They’re just different.

Because of my personal history and personality, my fire, my relationship with God, looks like a lot of Scripture reading and teaching and service with fewer long sessions of prayer. If I talk to God for a long time, I start to get self-centered and frustrated with myself that I get self-centered. I talk to Him in spurts, like a continual but slow conversation throughout a day, or week, or whatever.

He shows me things in the Bible, in teaching, in service, and in my blurt-style of conversation. Sometimes He calls me to a long period of prayer, but He knows me too well to ask that of me consistently. Maybe one day.

He also shows me pictures. Pretty often actually, especially if I ask Him to. By pictures I really mean visual analogies of things, like the fire I’m describing. I just say pictures.

All these things are the smoke of the fire of Our relationship. If I change the fuel, I change the fire. Your smoke is different than mine, and that’s okay. There are glories in the differences.

If I change the arrangement, I change the fire. This is my big struggle: transplanting the wood pieces to a different place, while keeping the arrangement the same. And yes, I want to keep the arrangement because it was good and pleasant for me and others. Possible solutions: steady, calloused hands and singed eyebrows; remaining where I am; patience enough to rebuild the fire after transplantation. The first and last seem most likely.

(1) Remember footnotes? This is one. See the corresponding "(1)" before reading this.
I usually get amused and warmed and consumed by the fire that is currently in my being. I forget to keep fueling it and get confuddled when it wanes or goes out. That, or I get bored with my little fire and start thinking that it isn't worth it. 


If you've ever gotten good at something, particularly sports, or if you've ever loved roller coasters, you know that at some point the old stuff just doesn't cut it anymore. You've got to get better, to learn more tricks, more skillz yo, to ride something bigger faster higher and twistier to get the same awed joy sense you had at first. 


The same with my fire. If I get bored with it, it's a sure sign that I need a bigger fire. Bigger fire, more fuel. More fuel, more of me I gotsta burn. And there's so much left of me.


So much that I haven't explored of myself, that I haven't had opportunity to see yet.
That day is coming.
I fear that it is here.

Elijah

As per the tradition, which I love, on the Last Night of Summer each staffer (and video guy) gives one single word (or more. or wombo.) to each other staffer (and video guy). 

As per the tradition, it was great and filling.

As per the unusual, I switched a couple of my words for the others at the very moment which I wrote them. One of these words was assigned to Jake, my brother in Christ. His word was changed to "Elijah." It was fitting, is fitting (and Spirit-led, as I later found out.) But as I keep seeing my list, and thinking about the words I gave the others, Elijah kept coming up. I realized that I knew very few details of his life, although I could tell you his character(istics) easily. That needed fixing. (As does my knowledge of many Bible things. Isaac is next, I think. I gave that one to Lanier.)

(I like parentheses a lot evidently.)

So. Here's a summary of what I learned:

• he commanded no dew or rain until he said so
• God told him to live beside a brook, from which he drank. And ravens brought him bread and meat every morning and evening
• when the brook dried up, God convinced a poor widow woman with a son to provide for him
• He did this by multiplying her sparse supply of flour and oil until the rains came
• he revived her dead son
• he was a very bold man, in his words to Ahab and Jezebel and to the people at large
• one that convicted me: 1 Kings 18:21
• called down fire on Mt. Carmel (duh)
• he ran faster than Ahab and Jezebel rode in chariots to Jezreel
• he ran for his life (or literally his 'soul'), away from Jezebel's threat 
• he wished for death
• an angel of the Lord came to him twice and gave him food and drink "because the journey is too great" for him.
• the second dose of this food gave him strength enough for 40 days and nights while he traveled to Horeb, the mountain of God
• on this mountain, he experienced the Lord passing by
• I love this passage- 1 Kings 19:11-12
• Elisha was his servant/disciple/pseudo-descendant
• Elijah was a true prophet of many things, like the death of Ahab, and remained bold in his speech
• There are long periods where the Lord did not speak through/to Elijah, but may have used others such as Micaiah
• he evidently made a habit of sitting on mountaintops in the presence of an angel of the Lord
• In my head I see this as a reverse Transfiguration kind of thing, see Mark 9
• he called down fire two more times, on two captains and their groups of fifty men each
• he parted the waters of the Jordan with his mantle so that he and Elisha could walk across on dry ground
• a chariot of fire and horses of fire went between he and Elisha, then he was caught up by a whirlwind to heaven
• he WAS NOT taken up by the horses and chariot, just separated from Elisha. the whirlwind took him up
• Elisha received a double portion of the Spirit that Elijah had. Elisha's life is interesting too.

The end.
Here are some pictures that I took that I like. Because photos are always a nice addition:

 

Numbered.

My days are numbered small in this place.
Also, today was Day 10.
Of what?
You tell me:

Day 10 of non-camp life? Yes.
Day 10 of unwashed hair? Yes.
Day 10 of missing my dearest Look Up friends? Yes.
Day 10 of these New Shoes? Yes.

New Shoes

I don't have new shoes.
I just lied to you.
But I am getting my Chacos fixed! No more peering between the footbed and sole!

I am walking in New Shoes though. Soon. Or now. I haven't really decided if I have Them on yet.

These Shoes are scarier, older, on-my-own-er, exciting-er, knowing-er, building-er, and pretty brand spanking new on these feet of mine. Over the past few weeks They have caused blisters, eruptions, and callouses; They have also felt more supportive and have that in-the-long-term healthy feel.

They are my Next Step Shoes. Or my New Life Shoes. I haven't decided that yet either. 

They started slipping on about three weeks ago, when I had a conversation with my beloved brother Jamal about what being Christ-like looks like in a particular situation. A situation about which I had already broken down sobbing (yes. sobbing.) and through which the both of us went. I felt Unheard. Uncared For. Untrusted. Unrespected. Unknown. Unloved. Un-a-whole-lot-of-things that I felt entitled to. But Un-a-whole-lot-of-things that Jesus was entitled to much more than I and yet suffered through for longer, more intensely, and more unjustly than I. 
Hebrews 12:3 "Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart."

As an unfortunate example of this situation, please view the beginning of this interview of the Pink Team. Oh, bad timing. I wish I could have seen my face when Kevin said, "So this is your 2nd year, right?" Ooooh, buddy. I wish you could have seen Ryan's face. He knew I was about to either go off or start bawling, or both. And I could have, so easily I could have. Goodness, I miss my adopted-in brother.

 
They slipped on significantly more as the end of the summer loomed. And then: Lies. A bunch of lies swarmed (and still do) my mind and heart. Lies such as: 

"You WILL be alone. Emotionally and Spiritually alone, if not physically alone." 
"You are not strong enough for this." 
"God isn't going to take care of you."
"No one wants you."
"You will never make any progress or make a difference to anyone outside your little bubble." 

I believe(d) those lies too often and too much. Any often and any much is too often and too much. 
So I sobbed. A lot. And usually Jamal was there. But it had been too long and I have been too hard. 
And I was (am) just scared. Terrified.
Dang that Fear. 
Maybe it needs to be pushed through, not once-for-all conquered. 
No, it should be conquered. 
For me, right now, it will be pushed through. 

Oh, And. I got the job! 

What now?

Today was the first day that I was truly on my own on camp. No summer staffers left.

I have never had such an odd feeling. 

Of being alone but not really, of being a stranger but not really.

This will be my third night alone in Redwood. And yes, I lock myself in. Quickly.

Today I have not had a full verbal conversation with another human being since around 9:30 this morning when I came to the Lodge to see if I could stay one more night in Redwood. Other interactions have been:

"Yes, I'll be there at 8:30am for the interview."

"Can I have...?"

"Thank you."

And that's about it. 

What a drastic shift from camp! My mind alternates from a mile a minute to absolute blank. I feel like I haven't had a conversation in weeks. It doesn't feel good, but I have yet to decide if it is good. 

So, the interview. Listen to how God provided for me and glorified His Name:

Friday afternoon, I take Walter Howard's advice and just show up at Wilderness Way in Fair Play, SC. The director there sits down with me, briefly looks over my application while asking me some questions about myself. After about 15 minutes or so, he says that if they had a job opening he would without a doubt offer it to me. IF. But the job, every job was filled. My contact person there had not told me. The director said that he truly wished he had a job for me, because he wanted me to work there. He seemed sincere.

He was sincere. How do I know? He called around to four or five other places on my behalf, trying to find a job for me! He found one at the Tamassee Daughters of the American Revolution School. He must have given them a fantastic review of me, because they wanted me to come over immediately to fill out an application. So I did. 

Listen to how God glorifies His Name:

After scanning over my application, the lady at DAR tells me that I would be great at this job, but she just wanted me to feel like I would be great at it. By this she means that I am coming in for a full interview so that I can learn more about their program-n-such. After this conversation, the CEO walks in and says to the lady that he's got a really good feeling about me already. That interview is at 8:30am tomorrow, which means leaving Look Up no later than 7:30am to get there. It's a beautiful drive.

It's a beautiful life.

It's a beautiful story.

He's a beautiful God.

I have so much to tell everyone about this summer. Oh. His. Goodness.