Spirit of Fear, you will not control me...much

Maybe you don't know this. I do my best to hide it.
I guess if you've read very much about me you probably do though.

I get scared a lot. A LOT.

But fear is not my Lord. Not anymore. Well, not as much.


I have been afraid to cry (because I am vain and I think I look really gross when I cry). 
I have been afraid to be angry (because I know my potential to cause pain in others).
I have been afraid to be honest (because I don't want to be left alone).
I have been afraid to be alone, and of being left alone (because I don't think anyone would really love or even like me if they really knew me).
I have been afraid to be really known (because all I know of myself is the flesh-failure side).


And I have been afraid to seek counseling (because I am pompous and felt like I knew what the counselor would tell me anyway). Well, afraid or not, I'm doing it. Right?...yes. Yes I am. 


Because some things I need help with. Sorry Independence, looks like you're independent now. It's a bittersweet parting. Bitter because getting help means being known, which means maybe being left alone, which means anger and honesty and crying. Sweet because relief, life, and restoration will (hopefully) come. 


Jesus is my mostly Lord now. I want him to be my always Lord. Instead of Fear. 

I miss freedom and life. Fear restrains and drains. I'm just skin and bones now but I'm fixing to let God put the meat back on. 

So. Student Care office, here I come. Please don't meet my cynical expectations.
(shoot, there's that fear again.)


Here's what my hair looks like from the back. Be warned. It's crazy.