Last weekend I had the grand opportunity to go down to Look Up for Summer 2010 Orientation Weekend.

This summer: is going to suck; is going to be full of God doing INsane things; is going to be worth it.
We all feel it. God's got something planned and I'm scared and excited and more scared.

Last weekend I also had the grand opportunity to spend some time with a dearly loved friend, Torrye Hart. On our way back to Look Up from Radius and dinner, we had a really kickin' conversation that I would like to continue because our dilemma wasn't resolved.

We both work (and want to work) in fields that require people with good hearts, immense patience, compassion, and a genuine care for others. But. They're not dust-collectors. They don't follow the Christ.

But they are better at following His lifestyle than most believers. They love, give, care, trust, and live.

How do we make ourselves distinctive? How do we let our love show that we are disciples of Christ when our love looks like their love, and it's not a bad thing?

In my generation, Love is god. I have fallen victim to this myself, especially concerning the idea of community. Community is necessary, but not sufficient. Humanitarian Love is necessary, but not sufficient. We have our priorities backwards: God is Love.

What do we do with verses like this?:
If anyone acknowledges that Jesus is the Son of God, God lives in him and he in God. And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him. In this way, love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment, because in this world we are like him. (1 John 4:15-17)

I don't know what to do about this, or if I should do something about it. But I will say that if we do not figure a way to make our love distinct, it will become extinct. (Sorry about the rhyme. It just happened. Sorry LU students for sounding like Dwayne Carson.) It will become obsolete.

How do we spread the need for redemption among a people who are redeeming themselves? How do we point out the sin-ishness of life and the need for Jesus without sounding like arrogant, hell-fire and brimstone preachers?

Now you see our dilemma.


Out of Town

This is an update about my counseling: It hasn't happened yet.
It was supposed to start last Monday.
I went into the Student Care Office. 
They told me that the lady I had an appointment with was currently out of town.
Okay. Thanks for telling me. And thanks for scheduling me to meet with her today (the day after Easter, when I am at home). 

Frustration. Yet Relief.
Honestly, God has done such a work in me lately that I'm not absolutely sure if I need to go anymore, especially since I have new friends at Rend to commune with, but there's this vague sense in my heart that says that where I am now is on top of an emotional mountain.

But I don't know if it's a real mountain or not. I'm not sure if I'm really free, or perhaps the sun and warmth has relieved some sadness which will just return with the winter, or perhaps I'm just reveling in the slice of freedom God's given me and has so much more to uncover and redeem.

My gut goes with the last two. Shoot. 

Well, Pam Tanner, along with the Spirit inside me, I need you to pull junk out of me that I don't know is there. I want to be really free, and KNOW it. 


And see God every day. In the every day. 
And to not feel this lurking, smirking depression in my stomach anymore. (that's where I see it).
And to be me again. The me to whom Christ has given victory, joy, and beauty.
Oh, Beauty.

To be intentional about looking for His hand.
(To be intentional about knowing Him)
(To be intentional about loving Him)

Intentionality has been a theme lately. I think that's my word right now. Intentional.

But the grace of God and hope in Him is greatly into the process of releasing me from the chains of fear and the thought patterns of my avoidant relationship style. Woohoo!
That's my little slice of freedom, and daggum, is it sweet!