Hair Raising

Well. I now have dreadlocks. They are immature (a.k.a. young) so they're messy and funky-looking. I think that's pretty fitting considering whose head they're on. I did them by myself last night. Total work time: 10 hours.
There's something more to be said about that. "I did them by myself..."

I found out recently through a book I have to read for my Psychology of Relationship class that I have an avoidant relationship style. [Side note: The class is super cheesy and talks about marriage and parenting a lot, to the exclusion of friendships. The books seem to be pretty legit so far though. 'Course I've only finished one.] This means that I believe that I am worthy of love and I want relational connection, but others are not trustworthy enough to provide that. So, I rely on myself and have the attitude of "Fine, I don't need you. I'll do it myself."

I can definitely see this in me. As soon as I read the description (before I took the little quiz thing) I knew, and was pretty upset. My mom even tells stories of me saying "I do it myself" when I was little. I even saw this happening last summer when my AP and I weren't getting along. I knew it was my fault we weren't, but now I KNOW. 

The description also says that those with avoidant styles can be conceited (I have long struggled with pride) and they always want to be in control. Of their surroundings. Of their lives. Of their emotions. It has been only since...recently...that I have really just let go of my emotions and just felt what I feel. Which is probably why I cry so easily now. God has always taken the control out of my hands, shown especially by His pushing me to Liberty. He knew I wouldn't give it up without a fight. 

To fill the relational void, avoidants often pursue other things: success, money, sex, drugs, etc. This explains my "intrinsic motivation" that helped me do so well in school. Fortunately God saw fit the place in me the love of learning and the family/friends I have so that I didn't fall into the other paths, though they would have served the same purpose. 

I am prone to idealizing my parents, depression, anxiety, worry, angry resentment toward God, and my relationship style is the perfect set up for addictive behavior. Crazy. I have been or done all of these, some recently. (Don't tell me psychology isn't a real science.)

I'm learning to revamp my style, yo. I read the chapter about how to start changing it, and I'm trying to implement the stuff I read. Please pray. I don't know what to ask you to pray for, but it's much appreciated. I've already had the chance to practice. Yesterday when my friend backed out of helping me with my dreads, I really struggled with the thought "See, other people aren't reliable. Do it yourself, always." I have to remind myself that I'm not reliable either. I guess I hurt for Jesus to come back in part because I know (sometimes only hope) that He is reliable, since in reality no one else is.

1 comment:

  1. People aren't always, as in seldom, reliable; but God is always reliable, dear. Yes, you may be able to do it yourself, but you can do it better with God. And, if you let someone into your life, you have to let down your guard; which makes you vulnerable. Something you don't like to do, I know. But, you must let the guard down. (what blocks others out also blocks you in)

    Oh, by the way, I kinda like you idealizing your parent!!!