This is an update about my counseling: It hasn't happened yet.
It was supposed to start last Monday.
I went into the Student Care Office.
They told me that the lady I had an appointment with was currently out of town.
Okay. Thanks for telling me. And thanks for scheduling me to meet with her today (the day after Easter, when I am at home).
Frustration. Yet Relief.
Honestly, God has done such a work in me lately that I'm not absolutely sure if I need to go anymore, especially since I have new friends at Rend to commune with, but there's this vague sense in my heart that says that where I am now is on top of an emotional mountain.
But I don't know if it's a real mountain or not. I'm not sure if I'm really free, or perhaps the sun and warmth has relieved some sadness which will just return with the winter, or perhaps I'm just reveling in the slice of freedom God's given me and has so much more to uncover and redeem.
My gut goes with the last two. Shoot.
Well, Pam Tanner, along with the Spirit inside me, I need you to pull junk out of me that I don't know is there. I want to be really free, and KNOW it.
REALLY KNOW IT.
And see God every day. In the every day.
And to not feel this lurking, smirking depression in my stomach anymore. (that's where I see it).
And to be me again. The me to whom Christ has given victory, joy, and beauty.
To be intentional about looking for His hand.
(To be intentional about knowing Him)
(To be intentional about loving Him)
Intentionality has been a theme lately. I think that's my word right now. Intentional.
But the grace of God and hope in Him is greatly into the process of releasing me from the chains of fear and the thought patterns of my avoidant relationship style. Woohoo!
That's my little slice of freedom, and daggum, is it sweet!