Called Out.

Yesterday I was straight up called out on the lack of effort I put into this. Thanks, Andrew Sims. 

But really, thanks.

I want to write, and let everyone know how I am, who I am, whatever. But I often find myself starting a post then not publishing it because I don't think anyone will care enough to read it because it's not earth-shatteringly important, essential to the understanding of life, pertinent to the increase of wisdom, nor does it cause instant smiles at well-timed-and-focused photography. 

It's just me. Living my currently just-so life. Which even I find boring. And if my life seems boring, I MUST be boring, right?

Maybe I am, but just right now. Only right now. 

I say that because this has been a very silent few weeks. I went through a rough spot about a month ago, but things have eased up a bit mentally. Since then, and truthfully during then, I have not heard anything distinct from the Spirit. He's revealed wisdom to me and given me what seems like peace but hasn't really told me anything. The peace scares me, because it doesn't fit with my previous convictions and that gives me pause as to whether I've forced the peace or it's been given. I hope that makes sense, because I can't be very specific on the worldwideweb. And peace is usually, well, peaceful. Yet here I am fretting about having peace and wondering just how much control of things God allows us.

So I feel boring because God hasn't said anything to me in a while.
I feel boring because I have a part-time job at a frozen yogurt shop in a college town despite having graduated with a 3.97 GPA and Summa Cum Laude with a B.S. in Counseling and Clinical Research Psychology almost 2 years ago, with another part-time job at an after-school program at which I serve as monitor/math guru. 
I feel boring because I see my friends so rarely, and I actually have fun with the people with whom I work at said shop.
I feel boring because I'm not in school, and not trying to be in school again, like most others.
I feel boring because I have no direction for my life. I'm simply doing what I know to do.
I feel boring because the few dreams I have for my life are exceedingly simple and seem very far-off due to lack of resources/connections/outlets. Ask me about it, I'll tell you. Just not here.
I feel boring because I'm waiting on something to happen, someone to follow, or...something. 

I guess it all comes down to me feeling a little lost, a little alone in my situation, a little desperate for joy, and a little like someone who had to grow up before most of her friends without the particular relational perks that some of her other grown-up friends have. 

Well, yeah. I'm fantastic at being uplifting, I know, you don't have to tell me. 

I suppose contentment and productive use of waiting-time are my goals.

1 comment:

  1. I don't see you as boring at all. But, I do agree with Andrew in that you should write more whether you perceive it as boring or not because it may let someone else know that they are not alone..and it lets me hear from you without bothering you!
    Much, much love dear!!!