I'm free, but not dangerous

I'm a pretty scary person sometimes.
That's a lie. 
I'm never scary. 
I'm an average height-ed, blond-ish, middle-weight-ed, 20 year old Caucasian girl from a very small town in southwest Virginia. Nothing about me is threatening. I don't even like guns (I couldn't make myself shoot one when I had the opportunity a couple weeks ago). 

But sometimes people are afraid of my dreams. My hopes scare them. (Sorry Mom, I know I scare you too often. I love you.)  

Today, under the guidance of Phil Joel's deliberatePeople study, I read this: "Joseph son of David, do not be afraid to take Mary home as your wife, because what is conceived in her is from the Holy Spirit."

I took it out of context, obviously, but it hit me like crazy anyway. You know I've been dealing with not wanting this:  

and instead wanting this:

Well, dear ones, please trust that wherever my heart and passions may be there also is my Father, who is the Protector of the fatherless, and a Provider to the widow. You should know which of those I am. You don't really know me until you know my story (and I don't know you until I know yours so please tell me. I LOVE STORIES!)

Am I afraid? Yes, I tell God that almost everyday, and I usually cry when I do because I know I shouldn't be but it still hurts to not KNOW. I don't understand why He trusts me with stuff, any stuff at all. I'm still afraid of being alone, really alone. Of not being understood by family (whether Jesus-blood or human-blood). Of being forgotten and left behind. 

BUT GOD....has shown Himself faithful to me and mine in the past...has given me the fire and willingness to suffer for Love as He did...has died and raised Himself back to life to give me LIFE and so I don't HAVE to be afraid. I wish I could listen to my own self sometimes, because I scare myself sometimes. And Eleanor Roosevelt told me to do something everyday that scares me. 

I rode a horse for the first time today. Thanks, Rocky, for not throwing me off.

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