Breakdown! Breakdown, oohh [part II]

I'm a bit late in posting this, I know. I'm sorry.

But look what happened in the meantime!!!
That's 15 inches of snow in less than 24 hours!!! I played in it today. I could fall anywhere and not hurt myself. It was awesome, in the true sense of the word. I was in awe of the beauty (and surprising almost-warmth) of today. 
I threw myself on the ground about 5-6 times, shoveled about half the snow you see there onto the stairs you see, then went around the other side and climbed up the "mountain," getting stuck many times. When I got stuck I started laughing, sat down right where I was with my legs fully enveloped in snow. The family came out to see what the heck I was doing/if I was alright. Good times.


Anyway, the snow is NOT what this post is supposed to be about. It's supposed to be about something much more personal. 


Isaiah 54:1 "Sing, O barren woman, you who never bore a child; burst into song, shout for joy, you who were never in labor; because more are the children of the desolate woman than of her who has a husband," says the LORD.


This verse was originally about the nation Israel. I'm pretty sure (I have corroborating evidence) that my Father wants it to apply to me as well. Which is super hard for me, who, to be completely open, would love to someday have a husband. And the point at which God choose to give this verse to me just kills me with its ambiguity.

So He gave me that verse over the summer, and again a couple days ago. So what's the big deal, right? I saw a verse a couple times. I've also seen the "cut off your right hand" verse several times, but I'm not doing that! Well....then there's Matthew 19. Jesus is talking with some Pharisees and his disciples about marriage and divorce. Here's the kicker in context, verses 9-12:  

"I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery."

The disciples said to him, "If this is the situation between a husband and wife, it is better not to marry."

Jesus replied, "Not everyone can accept this word, but only those to whom it has been given. For some are eunuchs because they were born that way; others were made that way by men; and others have renounced marriage because of the kingdom of heaven. The one who can accept this should accept it."

Not everyone can accept this word, but only those to whom it has been given....The one who can accept this should accept it.

I think I can accept it. I think He has given it to me (via Isaiah 54:1). Crap. 

Sometimes I wish I didn't listen to Him when He says things to me. Or that I didn't really mean it when I said I would give anything to see His Kingdom come to the this kingdom in this life. Or that He hadn't started to show me that He is my only Desire, my Delight, and by getting married I would be sacrificing some of that for a human, a delightful worthy-of-desire human of course, but still a human, and it would be settling (see Rachael's SWEET post on settling). Or that I didn't know the extent of my stubbornness and what some call flightiness.

But I do, I did, and He did. So now what? I'm gonna be single for the rest of my foreseeable days.

That scares me. I don't want to be alone. I want family, community, welcome, and admittedly, a sense of safety and security. Intentional community à la Shane Claiborne here I come! 

So I will be returning to the center of GET MARRIED NOW! and YOU MUST FIND A MATE! aka Liberty University in January. Yay. At least I have my (less than) two months to mourn before then, like the daughter of Jephthah in Judges 11, who roams the hills for two months to mourn that she will never marry before her father sacrifices her. A really unusually story in the Bible, but it works here. I am sacrificing a part of my would-be life. 

Only my friends are in relationships/getting married/planning their weddings that are YEARS away.

I know He will work in mighty ways, ways that I can't even imagine (and I can imagine A LOT) through this, but it still scares the living daylights out of me, saddens me greatly, and strangely, gives me freedom and hope. 

I just hope I'm not alone in this, that I'll find a mentor or a woman my age that has decided the same thing, for the same reasons, and is committed to not fostering a sense of loss because of it. 

Because I have not lost anything. (Though to be honest, I'm not really sure yet what I've gained).