'Splain Yo'self

I realized the other day that I never did tell y'all where the title of my blog came from.

(Don't pick at me about my grammar-n-such. I don't have to be formal here, and I'ma be informal whenever I can)

The title comes from a combination of two different songs. You guys know how I love music that makes my heart soar or smile. These songs do just that.

The first, The Ascent by The Classic Crime, has no lyrics. It's just an instrumental piece, and it is beautiful. Not calm-beautiful. Heart-flying beautiful. And I like the name of it, it's very fitting.

The second, Sun in an Empty Room by The Weakerthans, is more chill, has lyrics, and just sounds happy. It's not really a happy song, but it has so many great lines, creative lines that it endears itself to me. 

Lines like: "now that the furniture's returning to its Goodwill home"; "take this moment to decide if we meant it, if we tried, or felt around for far too much, for things that accidentally touch"; "parallelograms of light on walls that we repainted white"; "take 8 minutes and divide, by 90 million lonely miles".

The second one gets me. I do that all the time, reading too much into things.

The actual web address comes from a song by The Fold, called New City. For me, it's about how I don't want to stay where I am. Sometimes I mean geographical, most of the time I mean mentally/spiritually. It's not okay for me to stagnate and get cold. 

I also love the line in that song that says: "midnight is where the day begins, get up and get over it. The darker the berry, the sweeter is the wine." That's just good. Good. I like metaphors and similes and analogies. Probably because they create a better story, and I love stories. 

SIMWs #8

While walking to the Rot during yet another powdery snowfest, I realized that the footprints in the newly settled snow looked way too much like what a detective would love to find. I started humming the Pink Panther theme song.

While looking at some pictures a friend was tagged in on Facebook, I decided that at some point in the (hopefully) near future I want to make a mug in the shape of a giant tobacco pipe. 

While looking out my dorm window, I saw that the snow dinosaur has been melted somewhat, and now looks more like the Loch Ness Monster, lawn-dragon form.  

While eating various things, I remembered how I usually like to eat food small pieces at a time. In theory, this helps me eat slower, allowing my stomach to realize it's full, thus I eat only the appropriate amount. I ate some crispy noodle things one at a time. I ate some cheerios by first stringing them on a paperclip. Inevitably though, I get tired of doing this and just grab a handful of whatever-it-is and chomp away.

Hair Raising

Well. I now have dreadlocks. They are immature (a.k.a. young) so they're messy and funky-looking. I think that's pretty fitting considering whose head they're on. I did them by myself last night. Total work time: 10 hours.

There's something more to be said about that. "I did them by myself..."

I found out recently through a book I have to read for my Psychology of Relationship class that I have an avoidant relationship style. [Side note: The class is super cheesy and talks about marriage and parenting a lot, to the exclusion of friendships. The books seem to be pretty legit so far though. 'Course I've only finished one.] This means that I believe that I am worthy of love and I want relational connection, but others are not trustworthy enough to provide that. So, I rely on myself and have the attitude of "Fine, I don't need you. I'll do it myself."

I can definitely see this in me. As soon as I read the description (before I took the little quiz thing) I knew, and was pretty upset. My mom even tells stories of me saying "I do it myself" when I was little. I even saw this happening last summer when my AP and I weren't getting along. I knew it was my fault we weren't, but now I KNOW. 

The description also says that those with avoidant styles can be conceited (I have long struggled with pride) and they always want to be in control. Of their surroundings. Of their lives. Of their emotions. It has been only since...recently...that I have really just let go of my emotions and just felt what I feel. Which is probably why I cry so easily now. God has always taken the control out of my hands, shown especially by His pushing me to Liberty. He knew I wouldn't give it up without a fight. 

To fill the relational void, avoidants often pursue other things: success, money, sex, drugs, etc. This explains my "intrinsic motivation" that helped me do so well in school. Fortunately God saw fit the place in me the love of learning and the family/friends I have so that I didn't fall into the other paths, though they would have served the same purpose. 

I am prone to idealizing my parents, depression, anxiety, worry, angry resentment toward God, and my relationship style is the perfect set up for addictive behavior. Crazy. I have been or done all of these, some recently. (Don't tell me psychology isn't a real science.)

I'm learning to revamp my style, yo. I read the chapter about how to start changing it, and I'm trying to implement the stuff I read. Please pray. I don't know what to ask you to pray for, but it's much appreciated. I've already had the chance to practice. Yesterday when my friend backed out of helping me with my dreads, I really struggled with the thought "See, other people aren't reliable. Do it yourself, always." I have to remind myself that I'm not reliable either. I guess I hurt for Jesus to come back in part because I know (sometimes only hope) that He is reliable, since in reality no one else is.